How to Date in a World of Hook-Ups, Fifty Shades of Grey, and Pinterest

Christians are called to live lives that are honoring to Christ and loving towards one another. This includes in dating.

As I talked about in my post A Call to Love, God has designed different roles for man and woman. Men are to love their wives as Christ loves the church, and women are to follow their husband’s leadership like the Church follows Christ.

Although these roles are designed for a marriage relationship, they should be present in dating as well. The purpose of dating is to lead to marriage. It only makes sense that these rolls are present in dating so that they carry into the marriage relationship.

While the Bible does not give us a lot of insight into dating, it does give insight into marriage and the roles of men and women.

Let the Guy Pursue You (But Put Yourself in His Way)

One question that tends to be controversial is, can a girl ask a guy out? While some people see no problem with this, I believe that biblically, the guy should be the one to initially pursue the girl.

Since the man is the leader of the relationship, he should be the one to start the relationship.

However, this does not mean that you have to sit around waiting for the guy you like to ask you out. You can put yourself in his way. Let me explain.

One way I heard this explained was, “Put yourself in his road to where he either has to hit you or steer around you.” Now, this is not literally saying stand in the road as he is driving.

What it means is, put yourself around him to where he has to acknowledge your presence and decide if he wants to pursue a further relationship with you or not.

What does this look like practically? You could sit by him in class. If he plays a sport, go watch his game. Like what he posts on Facebook. Sit by him at lunch.

There are lots of ways that you can put yourself in his way without being the one to initially pursue a relationship.

Boundaries

Boundaries are vital to a healthy relationship. They must be communicated; do not assume what your boundaries are, because you could be on very different pages for what is appropriate and what is not appropriate.

The Bible is clear that sex outside of marriage is sin. God created sex as a beautiful gift for married people.  When it is taken outside of God’s designed purpose, it becomes destructive.

I saw this portrayed in a powerful way just last week. A pastor was talking about using things outside the way that God designed them. First, he asked for a baseball player to come to the front. He gave him a baseball, and then proceeded to pick up a guitar and hold it like a bat. Then, he told the baseball player to throw the ball.

Instantly, everyone in the audience gasped and shouted, “No!”

The idea of hitting a baseball with a guitar makes us shudder. A guitar is made to play beautiful music. Using it as a baseball bat is completely outside of its designed purpose. In the same way, sex inside of marriage is beautiful; outside of marriage, it is destructive and outside of God’s design.

In addition to saving sex for marriage, couples must communicate other boundaries that they will have in place. Once you have those boundaries in place, protect them. Don’t put yourself in the position that makes it difficult to keep those boundaries.

For example, nothing good can come out of being alone at midnight watching a romantic comedy together. When it gets late, end the date. Or you could even set the boundary that you won’t be in house alone together.

I never hear of people that regret having too many boundaries. I have heard of people that regret not having enough boundaries.

In addition to physical boundaries, it is important to have emotional boundaries as well. Guys are very driven by what they see physically. On the other hand, girls are very driven emotionally.

We love chick flicks and love stories and wedding boards on Pinterest.

While these are all good things, there must be a healthy balance. It’s not uncommon for a girl to already be thinking of marriage after a first date. They are so sure that he’s “the one” after having coffee with him for an hour.

Then, they are distraught when he ends it a couple months later.

This is why emotional boundaries are important, especially for girls. While the purpose of dating is to lead to marriage, you don’t have to know if he’s “the one” right away. In fact, you shouldn’t know if he’s “the one” right away. As you date, you get to know him more and more. It is only after you really get to know him and are not just excited about a new relationship that you should seriously ask if he is the guy you will marry.

           

Lust

While lust in most commonly portrayed as a guy problem, it is not a male-only issue. In fact, lust is a rapidly growing female struggle. This is easily seen by what is portrayed in media and culture.

Magic Mike has become a sequel, and made $11.6 million in its opening weekend alone.

Fifty Shades of Grey has sold more than 100 million copies, and has since been turned into a movie.

Dozens of girls make Pinterest boards exclusively for attractive guys. Even Christian girls do this. They just title the board something like, “Beautiful Creations from God.”

It is clear that the objectification of men is rampant in our society.

Jesus was clear on how serious lust is. In Matthew 5:27-28, He says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Lust is a serious offense against God. When you lust, you are taking someone made in the image of God and objectifying them to meet your physical and emotional desires. You are treating them as bodies to be looked at instead of brothers to be loved.

So how can we as Christian women fight back against this epidemic in our culture? We can start by not watching Magic Mike, reading Fifty Shades of Grey, or scrolling through pictures of men on Pinterest.

To conclude this section on boundaries and lust, I want to end with a passage from 1 Thessalonians. In chapter four, verses three through eight, Paul wrote, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.”

Expectations

Healthy expectations of the guy you’re dating and the relationship overall are vitally important. When entering a relationship, ask yourself what you are expecting from the guy and the relationship.

A lot of girls jump into a relationship because they hope that a guy will satisfy them and they will be happy if they were just in a relationship. This way of thinking is completely wrong.

No guy can fully satisfy you because only Jesus can. If you seek satisfaction in a guy, you put unhealthy expectations on him. You want him to do something only God can do. These expectations will ultimately crush him, leaving both of you feeling empty and broken.

When going into a relationship, keep your eyes on Jesus. Do not let your boyfriend become your god, because you will become unsatisfied very quickly.

The point of dating is not to satisfy your soul. The point of dating is to lead to marriage, which is made to point to Christ and the Church.

Don’t think I’m saying that we cannot enjoy relationships. We are designed to enjoy relationships and bring God glory through them. However, we must be careful to worship the Creator rather than creation. In other words, worship Jesus and not your boyfriend.

In a recent sermon, my pastor was talking about how to have a healthy marriage. He was given advice to, “Try to one-up each other in showing honor.” Romans 12:10 says, “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.”

A couple that is serving each other and loving unconditionally is a beautiful picture of the Gospel. When a wife follows her husband and he loves her unconditionally, it points to Jesus and His love for us.

That is why we have marriage and relationships; to point to Jesus in a broken and hurting world.

How to Love

There is a lot of confusion and awkwardness regarding how to treat and act around a guy that you are not interested in. There are not exact Bible verses that say, “Do not lead a guy on or wear yoga pants.”

However, if you have a foundation to start from, a lot of the answers to these grey areas fall into place.

What is the foundation we should start from? Think back to 1 Corinthians 16:14.

“Let all that you do be done in love.”

So, when we are confronted with grey areas that the Bible doesn’t directly address, we can ask the question, “Am I acting out of love, or out of something else?”

The following topics are some of those grey areas that can tend to stir up controversy. However, when we look at these matters and ask how we can respond in love, the answers seem to fall into place.

Leading Them On

One of the most common fears is the fear of being alone. Some people will go to extreme lengths to ensure that they never have to be alone. This fear manifests itself in the pattern of never being single, or at least constantly having someone to flirt with.

We all know those people who are dating someone one week, and then the next week are dating someone else.

Or maybe, you are that person.

This pattern is both selfish and destructive. Frequently, a girl and guy will be friends, and the girl is fully aware that he wants to be more than friends. However, she does not feel the same way. Despite this, she flirts with him in order to keep his attention. She leads him on, getting his hopes up.

He eventually works up the courage to ask her out and she says no. She liked the attention and having someone to flirt with, but was not interested in being more than friends with him.

Another common scenario is similar, except the girl says yes. She knows she’s not interested in the guy, but says yes so that she has a boyfriend. After dating him for a while, she still isn't happy. She  ends the relationship when it shouldn’t have began in the first place.

Neither of these scenarios are motivated by love.

Leading a guy on gets his hopes up of a future relationship. If a girl knows that a certain guy is interested in her when she doesn’t feel the same, the loving thing to do is avoid flirting with him, and also say no if he asks her out.

Saying yes would only lead them on, and lead them into deeper heartbreak when they face rejection later on.

Modesty in Dress

Dressing modestly is extremely important. It breaks my heart to see Christian women dress in ways that are not modest, and even vocalize their opinions on the topic. As Christian women, we should not be saying that we can dress however we want. This shows no regard for helping our brothers in Christ.

Guys think differently than girls do. Seeing a scantily dressed woman causes them to stumble, which hinders their relationship with Christ. So with this, what would the loving thing to do be?

The loving thing is to dress in a way that will not cause our brothers to stumble.

As a Christian woman, dressing scandalously and not thinking of how it affects the men around you basically communicates that you truly don’t care about their walk with the Lord and care more about yourself and attention that you’re trying to get.

Romans 14, specifically verse 13, speaks about causing someone to stumble. It says, “Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother.”

If you know that something hurts a brother in Christ, it is obvious that we should not do it. Dressing inappropriately causes men to stumble. Therefore, out of love for our brother, we must dress modestly.            

In addition, this issue of modesty goes further than protecting our brothers. It also involves respecting yourself, and letting people respect you.

You are worth far more than outward beauty and attracting attention by how you look. Don’t let your value come from how you look and dress; let your value come from your heart for Jesus and who you are in Christ.

1 Peter 3:3-4 says, “Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.”

Dressing modestly does not get every guys attention. However, it does get the right guy's attention. You may not have a boyfriend now, but a man who is seeking a godly wife will recognize the beauty that is in your heart. The right guy will look for things that are far deeper than just outward beauty.

A Call to Love

Boys.

They’re the topic that seems to come up every time you’re in a group of girls. As someone who does youth ministry and spends a lot of time with teenage girls, I have witnessed boy conversations more times than I can count.

Everyone is fairly quiet, but then someone brings up a boy. All at once, everyone is passionately sharing their boy stories and giving each other advice. Teenage girls are not the only ones guilty of this though.

I went to a private Christian university. One of the most popular topics of discussion was, who is going out for coffee this week, and who is getting a ring by spring? Every single interaction with a potential boyfriend (or even potential husband) is analyzed. By the end of the first date, they have already decided if he’s “the one” or not.

Before I go any further, I want to pause.

I am writing this for several reasons. First of all, this is something that has been on my heart and mind for a while. There are countless articles, statuses, and opinions on how guys should treat girls. Men are constantly blamed for objectifying women. Now, these are serious issues. Women deserve to be treated as daughters of the King. They are not objects, but human beings made in the image of God.

However, there is another side of this that is frequently overlooked.

As much as men objectify and use women, women do the same thing to men. They view them as potential boyfriends and husbands, but are quick to dismiss them as soon as they don’t meet their list of “20 Things I Want in my Future Husband”.

They lead guys on so that they will fulfill that emotional longing that every girl has, but then drop them the next minute when they don’t satisfy that longing.

I am writing this to Christian women. This is for women who are single, married, or in between. The way we treat men matters immensely. We cannot continue using men and showing them favor only when it is convenient for us.

Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 16:14, “Let all that you do be done in love.” I am not claiming to know the answers for every situation and relationship, but I do know one thing. As followers of Christ, we are called to treat everyone with love.

Roles of Men and Women

           

We live in a world where gender is questioned and offensive. If someone says they want to be a different gender, culture is quick to embrace their newfound identity.

However, God created and designed us in very specific ways. Genesis 1:27 says, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

God purposefully made both man and woman. He made them in such a way that complements each other. Genesis 2:18 says, “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’”

He gave them each roles that, when followed, portrays a beautiful picture of Christ and the church. Understanding these roles is vital.

In Ephesians 5:22-33, Paul writes, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Here we see very distinct roles for both women and men. Women are to submit to their husbands. What does submit mean? The dictionary defines it as, “to give over or yield to the power or authority of another”. This means that the husband is the leader. Women are to follow the leadership of their husbands in the same way that the church follows the leadership of Christ.

Men also have a role to play. They are to love their wives like Christ loved the church.

Christ died for the church.

When a wife is following her husband no matter the circumstance, and a husband is loving his wife with everything that he has, there is a beautiful picture of the Gospel on display.  

Brothers in Christ

Something I have witnessed far too many times are girls being very flirtatious and friendly to a guy, and then when that guy doesn’t satisfy her or she decides he’s not “the one”, she drops him and never speaks to him again.

Another common scenario is when a girl knows that a guy is totally into her, and she leads him on even though she does not feel the same way. She keeps him hanging until a “better” guy comes along so that she does not have to go through single times.

These scenarios are far too common, even among Christian girls. This should not be. The motives fueling these scenarios are completely selfish, and not out of love.

Our identity as followers of Christ should not only shape how we treat a guy that we’re interested in, but also guys we are not interested in. No matter our feelings toward them, they are our brothers in Christ. This should drastically affect how we treat them.

1 John 4:12 says, “If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.”

As Christians, we are called to treat everyone in love. If we say we love God but do not treat our brothers in Christ with love, we are hypocrites.