Christians are called to live
lives that are honoring to Christ and loving towards one another. This includes
in dating.
As I talked about in my post A Call to Love, God has designed
different roles for man and woman. Men are to love their wives as Christ loves
the church, and women are to follow their husband’s leadership like the Church
follows Christ.
Although these roles are designed
for a marriage relationship, they should be present in dating as well. The
purpose of dating is to lead to marriage. It only makes sense that these rolls
are present in dating so that they carry into the marriage relationship.
While the Bible does not give us
a lot of insight into dating, it does give insight into marriage and the roles
of men and women.
Let the Guy Pursue You (But Put Yourself in His Way)
One question that tends to be
controversial is, can a girl ask a guy out? While some people see no problem
with this, I believe that biblically, the guy should be the one to initially
pursue the girl.
Since the man is the leader of
the relationship, he should be the one to start the relationship.
However, this does not mean that
you have to sit around waiting for the guy you like to ask you out. You can put
yourself in his way. Let me explain.
One way I heard this explained
was, “Put yourself in his road to where he either has to hit you or steer
around you.” Now, this is not literally saying stand in the road as he is
driving.
What it means is, put yourself
around him to where he has to acknowledge your presence and decide if he wants
to pursue a further relationship with you or not.
What does this look like
practically? You could sit by him in class. If he plays a sport, go watch his
game. Like what he posts on Facebook. Sit by him at lunch.
There are lots of ways that you
can put yourself in his way without being the one to initially pursue a
relationship.
Boundaries
Boundaries are vital to a
healthy relationship. They must be communicated; do not assume what your
boundaries are, because you could be on very different pages for what is
appropriate and what is not appropriate.
The Bible is clear that sex
outside of marriage is sin. God created sex as a beautiful gift for married
people. When it is taken outside of
God’s designed purpose, it becomes destructive.
I saw this portrayed in a
powerful way just last week. A pastor was talking about using things outside
the way that God designed them. First, he asked for a baseball player to come
to the front. He gave him a baseball, and then proceeded to pick up a guitar
and hold it like a bat. Then, he told the baseball player to throw the ball.
Instantly, everyone in the
audience gasped and shouted, “No!”
The idea of hitting a baseball
with a guitar makes us shudder. A guitar is made to play beautiful music. Using
it as a baseball bat is completely outside of its designed purpose. In the same way, sex inside of
marriage is beautiful; outside of marriage, it is destructive and outside of
God’s design.
In addition to saving sex for
marriage, couples must communicate other boundaries that they will have in
place. Once you have those boundaries in place, protect them. Don’t put
yourself in the position that makes it difficult to keep those boundaries.
For example, nothing good can
come out of being alone at midnight watching a romantic comedy together. When
it gets late, end the date. Or you could even set the boundary that you won’t
be in house alone together.
I never hear of people that
regret having too many boundaries. I have heard of people that regret not
having enough boundaries.
In addition to physical
boundaries, it is important to have emotional boundaries as well. Guys are very driven by
what they see physically. On the other hand, girls are very driven emotionally.
We love chick flicks and love
stories and wedding boards on Pinterest.
While these are all good things,
there must be a healthy balance. It’s not uncommon for a girl to already be
thinking of marriage after a first date. They are so sure that he’s “the one”
after having coffee with him for an hour.
Then, they are distraught when he
ends it a couple months later.
This is why emotional boundaries
are important, especially for girls. While the purpose of dating is to lead to
marriage, you don’t have to know if he’s “the one” right away. In fact, you
shouldn’t know if he’s “the one” right away. As you date, you get to know him
more and more. It is only after you really get to know him and are not just
excited about a new relationship that you should seriously ask if he is the guy
you will marry.
Lust
While lust in most commonly
portrayed as a guy problem, it is not a male-only issue. In fact, lust is a
rapidly growing female struggle. This is easily seen by what is portrayed in
media and culture.
Magic Mike has become a sequel,
and made $11.6 million in its opening weekend alone.
Fifty Shades of Grey has sold more
than 100 million copies, and has since been turned into a movie.
Dozens of girls make Pinterest
boards exclusively for attractive guys. Even Christian girls do this. They just
title the board something like, “Beautiful Creations from God.”
It is clear that the
objectification of men is rampant in our society.
Jesus was clear on how serious
lust is. In Matthew 5:27-28, He says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You
shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman
with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Lust is a serious offense against
God. When you lust, you are taking someone made in the image of God and
objectifying them to meet your physical and emotional desires. You are treating
them as bodies to be looked at instead of brothers to be loved.
So how can we as Christian women
fight back against this epidemic in our culture? We can start by not watching
Magic Mike, reading Fifty Shades of Grey, or scrolling through pictures of men
on Pinterest.
To conclude this section on
boundaries and lust, I want to end with a passage from 1 Thessalonians. In
chapter four, verses three through eight, Paul wrote, “For this is the will of
God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each
one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the
passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress
and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these
things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not
called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this,
disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.”
Expectations
Healthy expectations of the guy
you’re dating and the relationship overall are vitally important. When entering
a relationship, ask yourself what you are expecting from the guy and the
relationship.
A lot of girls jump into a
relationship because they hope that a guy will satisfy them and they will be
happy if they were just in a relationship. This way of thinking is completely
wrong.
No guy can fully satisfy you because
only Jesus can. If you seek satisfaction in a guy, you put unhealthy
expectations on him. You want him to do something only God can do. These
expectations will ultimately crush him, leaving both of you feeling empty and
broken.
When going into a relationship,
keep your eyes on Jesus. Do not let your boyfriend become your god, because you
will become unsatisfied very quickly.
The point of dating is not to
satisfy your soul. The point of dating is to lead to marriage, which is made to
point to Christ and the Church.
Don’t think I’m saying that we
cannot enjoy relationships. We are designed to enjoy relationships and bring
God glory through them. However, we must be careful to worship the Creator
rather than creation. In other words, worship Jesus and not your boyfriend.
In a recent sermon, my pastor was
talking about how to have a healthy marriage. He was given advice to, “Try to
one-up each other in showing honor.” Romans 12:10 says, “Love one another with
brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.”
A couple that is serving each
other and loving unconditionally is a beautiful picture of the Gospel. When a
wife follows her husband and he loves her unconditionally, it points to Jesus
and His love for us.
That is why we have marriage and
relationships; to point to Jesus in a broken and hurting world.
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